Be a Team

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Team: two or more draft animals harnessed to the same vehicle or implement.

What an image for co-parenting! Yet what it takes for divorced couples to see themselves as a team for the purpose of parenting can only be described as a miracle. And, as any coach will avow, “Attitude is everything!”

• Have an agreed upon goal. The goal might be very broad, like “we will raise our children to know that they are loved by two parents.” A team without a common goal cannot begin to play the game.
• Make a game plan. What roles will each parent play? What roles do they want the stepparents to play? How can they help each other? How will they ensure that children do not play them against each other? What strategies can be negotiated to facilitate the most desires of each parent for the kids?
• Communicate. A football team planning to run a two-point conversion play needs to tell the field goal kicker. A parent who wants to break a child of the new habit of lying will communicate the problem and the strategy to the other parent.
• Pull your weight. The more both parents take part in parenting tasks, the more the child will feel connected to each as a parent.

It would take a real miracle to accomplish all of these things in your co-parenting. They are not one-time changes, but day to day, incremental decisions. Be encouraged that every effort made will improve the family life of your child.

Be Near

But Ruth replied, Where you will go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. Ruth 1:16-18

Ruth had the right idea when it came to family commitment and loyalty. She considered her mother-in-law to be her only family, and promised to always be near her, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

 

Be Perceptive

Moses’ sister stood at a distance to see what would happen to him. Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe and her attendants were walking along the riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her slave girl to get it. She opened it and saw the baby. He was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This is one of the Hebrew babies,” She said. Then Moses’ sister asked Pharaoh’s daughter “Shall I go and get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you?” “Yes, go,” she answered. And the girl went and got the baby’s mother. —Exodus 2:4-8

Isn’t it ironic that God allowed Moses to be entrusted to the custody of his enemy? Moses’ family had the presence of mind not only to remove their baby from imminent danger, but to watch and wait and take further action for his welfare. Then they trusted God for the rest.

How difficult it is during a personal crisis to think calmly, clearly, and to place focus on those who are most at risk. Our children of divorce are at risk. Parents can come to the rescue simply by being perceptive.

• Stop. During the aftermath of divorce, it takes a very deliberate effort to stop focusing on self and start focusing on the children. Wallerstein states:

One of many myths of our culture is that divorce automatically rescues children from an unhappy marriage…However, when one looks at the thousands of children that my colleagues and I have interviewed at our center since 1980, most of whom were from moderately unhappy marriages that ended in divorce, one message is clear: the children do not say they are happier. Rather, they say flatly, “The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended.

Stop that gigantic snowball of myths and self-protective emotions and take notice of the realities created by divorce.

• Look. Children (including teenagers) do not possess adult skills to understand their emotions.
• Listen. Then listen to the response, uncritically, unemotionally, and courageously. Children, like all of us, cannot help the feelings they have. Knowing what goes on in a child’s mind is over half the battle.

Be Dependable

1 Corinthians 4:2 “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.”

Parents are stewards of the children God has given to them, and God holds each steward accountable for their care. To be a dependable parent:

• Fulfill obligations-legal and otherwise-in a timely way, without hassle, and without using them to manipulate the other parent.
• Respect the court ordered purpose of the support. Offer to give a periodic account to the other parent of how the funds are used to care for the children.
• Plan regular meetings by phone or in person, so that both parents stay informed of issues concerning the child.

Be the Adult

When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:10-11

In other words, “when I grew up, I began to speak as an adult, think as an adult, and reason as an adult.” Divorcees frequently resort to childish ways of dealing with each other. So the first tip for being the adult is to learn to communicate with the other parent in an adult manner.

Do Away with Childish Speaking

Healthy communication takes time and practice to achieve. A good book on healthy communication is a must! But here are some tips:

• Begin conversations by affirming “We’re here for the sake of the kids.”
• Make your goal to understand, rather than to persuade.
• Choose your issues carefully. Is it really about the child, or about your need for vengeance?
• Ask sincere questions: “What do you think we should do?” “How do you feel about this?”
• Give your full attention to the other person. Don’t plan your response, interrupt, blame or accuse the other person.
• Communicate like an adult both verbally and nonverbally, even if the other person doesn’t (80 percent of communication takes place non-verbally!)
• If communicating with the former spouse is particularly difficult consider mediation.
• Pray before the meeting, and pray afterward

Do away with childish thinking and reasoning

• Take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5). Feelings of stress or anxiety might indivate some runaway-thoughts that need to be reined in.
• Express emotional thoughts to God before expressing them to someone else.
• Confess your thoughts to a trusted and objective friend.
• When negative thoughts consume you, redirect. Choose to think on things that are pure, true, beautiful, and righteous (Philippians 4:8)

Children need equal effort from both parents in providing authoritative, mature guidance for their lives. Support each other in speaking, thinking, and co-parenting like adults.

Be Healed

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14

Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. James 5:16

According to researchers, divorce recovery can take between two and five years, but might never take place if the person does not exert effort to recover. If you will be healed, consider taking some of the following steps:

• Read, read, read. Learn about the effects of divorce on adults and children and how to overcome the hurts of the past
• Write. Journal your own ups and downs.
• Don’t dwell on the past; plan for the future.
• When in the dumps over your own unmet emotional needs, meet someone else’s emotional need.
• Learn to forgive. Seek support through counseling or a group such as Divorce Recovery.
• Pray. Honestly confess your ugliest feelings to God (He can handle it!). Seek His comfort, and His perspective.

Seven “Be” Attitudes

In Matthew 5, Jesus taught nine beatitudes for blessed living. The Amplified Bible translates the word “blessed” as “happy, fortunate, to be envied.” Several of the nine “Blessed are” statements contradict our typical ideas of things that lead to happiness, such as “blessed are the poor in spirit,” or “blessed are those who mourn,” or “blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness.”

The paradox of the Christian life is that often what we least want in our lives can work for our ultimate well-being. With that in mind consider these seven “be” attitudes to produce healthier kids. Be healed, be dependable, be the adult, be respectful, be perceptive, be near, and be a team.

By Kay Adkins.

The next few days will feature one of the above “be” attitudes.

Why Don’t I Enjoy Holiday Parties?

With the holidays comes holiday parties. Many of us will be attending parties, whether they be family, friends, church
or work. For some individuals these are more difficult and it is more than just who makes up the crowd (although that can certainly be part of it.)

If you are dreading all these “get-togethers” it could be because you are introverted. Simply defined, introverts are people that are recharged by spending time by themselves. People with this personality type are drained by large gatherings and the pressure to socialize for an extended period of time. Especially if that time is undefined. Introverts are not necessarily “anti-social” they just don’t always fit into the social butterfly mold that extroverts do. Extroverts are recharged by being around people. Interactions with people are what keep them going, so holiday parties can be much more enjoyable for them.

Tips for introverts this season:

• If possible, don’t attend every party you are invited to
• Predetermine how long you plan on staying
• Take “time-outs” if you start to feel overwhelmed whether that is outside for fresh air or a quick trip to the restroom
• Offer to help the host

So, don’t beat yourself up with holiday parties this year and remember that it is acceptable to take steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed. You are not the only one that feels that way!

More than Holiday Blues?

As the sun begins to shine less and cold weather becomes the norm 5-10% of the population will struggle from a type of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) displays most of the same symptoms as a typical Depression diagnosis (feeling down, low energy, lack of desire to do anything) but instead of eating less a person with SAD eats more, instead of losing sleep they often sleep more.

Women are much more likely to suffer from SAD. Statistics have shown that up to four times as many women suffer from this than men. White women in their mid 30s are the most prominent demographic.

Common treatments are the same as other types of depression. These include counseling and anti-depressant medication. An additional treatment for SAD is light exposure treatment. Preventative treatment could include starting counseling in the mid fall months before the symptoms set in.

If you feel depressive symptoms during this time of year regularly you may struggle with this. Please call a therapist or talk to your doctor.

Stress: This Too Shall Pass

I was talking with a friend recently about life stages. He said somewhat jokingly, “I thought when I got out of high school things would be good, college would be without problems, when that wasn’t the case I thought once I finished college things would be easy, I would have a job and life would be easy, and now I realize that there are adult problems!”

He is right. At all stages of life we are going to experience stressors. Many people experience similar stressors including illness or death in the family, relationships with family, work environments, or managing time. Not all stressors are negative events, however. Some events in a person’s life cause stress and unsettling emotions but the reason is something positive. This is called eustress. Some examples of this could be planning a wedding and the merging of two families, training for an athletic event, or even the holidays.

As my friend realized, stress is going to occur whether it is “good” or “bad.” So, how are effective ways to deal with it? A professor of mine used to say, “this too shall pass.” There is a lot of truth in that. It seems like the current situation will never end and that you will never be without feelings of stress for the rest of your life. But indeed it is important to remember, “this too shall pass.” But that leaves the question, “what can be done during this passing of time?”

There are a number of stress management techniques that people have used and found effective. Some people look to friends in time of stress. I strongly recommend this. It is important to have people to confide in, to share life with, who are not going to judge you These are people that have your best interest in mind. It is nice to know you have someone “in your corner.” Another thing that can be helpful if you are going through stress, is to learn something new (assuming your stress is not coming from lack of time.) Possibly learning about a new subject, family history, or even a new instrument.

If stress does come from too much on your plate it could be important to clean it off a little and spend some time alone. Some time in prayer or meditation can be calming, although hard to practice in the beginning if you are used to doing something every minute, it can be helpful.

Seeing a counselor can help with stress in that you have someone to listen who is coming from a neutral stance to give you some guidance. The counselor can be a calming presence when your feel like you are in the eye of a storm.

When stress comes remember, “this too shall pass” and there are techniques to get you through.

 

Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT