Friends to Keep, Friends to Avoid

The following is adapted from Living Affinity by Hsing Yun

Good friends can help us discover our capacity for connection. Get some wise guidance about the true nature of healthy friendship here–and then pass it along to your friends.

Kinds of Friends to Cultivate

• Friends that help us tell right from wrong. They let us know when our conduct is admirable and are not afraid to tell us when we behave poorly. Such friends help us to stay on the right path.
• Friends that are compassionate and caring. They give us moral support during our trying times. They are also happy for us when we are doing well.
• Friends that are always ready to extend a helping hand. They are pillars of strength. They help us stay focused and come to our aid when we are lost.
• Friends that share our aspirations. Such friends provide us with encouragement and are not hesitant to share their time and resources.

Kinds of Friends to Avoid

• Friends that never show their true intentions. These people are not trustworthy or sincere and take advantage of others with no remorse.
• Friends that are envious of others’ good fortune and success. They constantly wallow in bitterness and resentment.
• Friends that have hearts of stone. They only think about themselves and fail to see or care about others’ predicaments.
• Friends that do not acknowledge their own mistakes. They are quick to place blame on others, instead of being willing to learn and grow from their own foolish conduct.
• Friends that refuse to accept advice from others. Their minds are closed and their character is arrogant.

Although we should still show kindness and compassion to all of these people it is not wise to keep their company. Friendships should be based on mutual affinity, not one-sided effort. Real friendships are an actual and resounding expression of true joy.

Are Your Children Anxious?

Parents play a vital role in the way children handle stress and crisis. Usually, children’s responses are going to be influenced by their parent’s reactions. If parents take a positive response, children will learn the same. Here are some examples of ways to do this. Some of these examples were inspired by an article on everydayhealth.com. When your child seems upset:

• Take time to talk and make sure you really understand what the problem is.
• Turn off the TV, internet, etc. Make sure they have your full attention
• Let them know you are listening by brief comments, and repeating back what you hear them say
• Let them know that feeling stressed and angry is normal and that all people feel that way
• Give them security to know that you are going to take action to be a protection
• Simply spend time with them so they have the chance to share these personal things.
• It is helpful for some children to know schedules, children like structure

These are just some basic ways a parent can help their child when they appear stressed. It may be that they need to talk to someone outside the situation such as a counselor. Therapy gives children an opportunity to express things they may find difficult in other settings.

It is important to remember that all children will feel stressed and the way they initially learn how to deal with it is from parents. This is yet another way for parents to teach children.

Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT

Reducing Stress: A Few Tips

If we allow stress to accumulate it can lead to anxiety. So, properly handling stress is a very effective way of preventing problems with anxiety. Reducing stress is sometimes easier said than done. Here are a few ways to reduce stress. These ideas are influenced by an article on everydayhealth.com.

• Exercise. You are able to work out those tense muscles with exercise. It also helps with your mood. The release of endorphins from your body causes you to feel better emotionally.
• Compromise. Sometimes stress comes from arguing or being in conflict with someone else. Being able to compromise and realizing that “winning” an argument is coming to a common consensus rather than getting your way prevents a lot of stress.
• Write it down. Writing out thoughts is a good way to organize them and “get them out of our system.” Whether you type it on your computer or write it with pen and paper it can be relaxing.
• Set boundaries. Decide what realistic demands are and live within those limits. Only start projects that you intend on finishing and can reasonably finish with a plan on how to do this. Remembering to take time for yourself is also important and can be read about more here.
• Talk to a counselor. Going to a counselor does not mean you are crazy. It means you care about your well-being. When stress is very high it can be helpful to have an objective person in your life to help you get through it.

There are a few tips on how stress can be reduced. Prevention is always better than treatment, so the quicker these are implemented the easier the stress will be to deal with.

 

Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT

From Thoughts to Destiny

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors.

Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

 

Author Unknown

A Simple Communication Technique

Men and women are different. It does not take a Marriage and Family Therapist to realize that.

Men and women communicate differently. That isn’t rocket science either but sometimes couples forget that. For this post I want to focus on a simple communication technique men can use to improve the way they interact with their wives.

Men are wired to fix problems. They hear their wife express a frustration and immediately formulate a plan to make it better. A step by step plan is on the tip of the man’s tongue. Women are not looking for this. Women only want their husbands initial reaction to be one of hearing what they have to say. It is not about fixing the issue at work, with family, etc. They just want to be heard. So, as difficult as this can be for men, marital communication thrives on them holding their solutions and hearing what their wives need to say.

The simple communication technique of listening can make a big difference as the wife simply wants her frustrations to be heard by her husband.

So, men, as a way of improving your relationship via a simple communication technique…listen!

Justin P. Lewis, MA

Family Ties That Bind

Want to have a healthy family? They do not happen by accident. It takes effort and paying attention to areas that will fortify rather than destroy. Dolores Curran wrote a book:  Stress and the Healthy Family  in 1985. The wisdom contained within this book still holds true today.

Curran performed a survey and all participants responded. She drew the following conclusions about healthy families from the survey. There were 15 traits that rose to the top from the 56 traits that were presented.

Healthy families:

• Communicate and listen
• Affirm and support
• Respect one another
• Develop trust
• Have a sense of play and honor
• Share responsibilities
• Teach right from wrong
• Build a strong sense of family
• Have a balance of interaction
• Have a shared religious core
• Respect privacy
• Foster table time conversation
• Value service to others
• Share leisure time
• Admit to problems and seek help

There is one of the fifteen traits that were common with all of the respondents. It was “foster table time and conversation. It is important to take time to make a difference in your families by eating together and talking about the day’s events. It is equally important to be able to share the emotional aspects of your day for support and encouragement.

We encourage you to consider this list of traits that might enhance and empower your family.

Roger D. Thompson, MS

LMFT

Getting Married? Things to Consider!

How did you meet?

Common interests and common hangouts draw people together. The places where you met or frequented while dating could be choices for a lifetime. Are you comfortable with where this could take you?

How long have you know one another?

Hopefully you have been dating or engaged longer than one year. It is not essential, but it is a good start. Getting to know each other should allow for many settings, which should include time with each of the families.

What do each of you value?

You both grew up in different homes. You will likely have different thoughts on what is most important. Soon you will consider the purchase of furniture for your home. Inevitably, this is an area of great delight, different tastes, and sometimes strong opinions. In addition to the style of furniture, it becomes necessary to discuss how much you will spend on what type of items. Be ready for this to take time. It is normal! Be patient with one another and listen. It may be helpful to learn the art of compromise. This is just one example of how your values will impact your marriage.

Have you been sexually active prior to your getting married?

It is more than just a good idea to abstain from sexual activities until married. God says so! God wants the best for us in marriage. After all, God created us for each other. God directs us to refrain from sexual relationships outside of marriage before and after we marry.

Why question God’s authority? Why push the envelope again and again only to find out that God’s way was the best way. Of course, God is right. He is God!

Dr. Wayne Oates with the Baptist Theological School presented at the Kentucky Association for Marriage and Family Therapy in 1987. He was in his eighties at the time. Dr. Oates had written over 50 books at the time. He stood before the group of almost 500 therapists sharing about things that people had difficulty figuring out. Dr. Oates said, “Why have people not discovered that when they go to bed before marriage that they put to sleep the senses necessary to make good decisions about the future of their relationships?”

Have both of you spent plenty of time with both of your families?

It is a good idea to be well acquainted with your future in-laws. Also, it is a good notion to pay attention to how your family relates to the special someone. Certainly, it is a plus if you get along. It is even more important to learn how to get along when conflicts exist. It is a worthwhile process to learn how to get along.

Have you had time to have conflicts and resolve them?

Blending two separate identities into one is a process. It is inevitable that you will experience conflict. This does not indicate that you have major problems. However, it does indicate that you think and feel differently at different times. This is normal. The work now begins as you explore your differences in values. It is essential to learn how to solve conflicts. By the way this is a never ending fine tuning process.

Do you have a common faith?

This is an important issue, but commonly overlooked. First, having a similar faith can be defined as believing in Jesus Christ as the son of God, who was born of a virgin, died when he was 33 years old, lay in the grave for three days before his resurrection, and now lives seated at the right hand of God. Most who call themselves Christians have this belief in common.

Secondly, and this is where the difficulty seems to arise, there may be conflict on the how and where this belief system is to be practiced. This can become a major source of contention.

I suggest that you pray and continue to study to develop a common faith practice. This is what the people did following the baptisms on the day of Pentecost. This is not an area that tends to get better by ignoring or avoiding it.

What are your odds of marital success if you are both teens and if your parents have had multiple divorces?

Many young couples do not think to ask about matters such as this. Time is on your side. Teen marriages have a high rate of marital conflicts as well as divorce. You have matured to this point, which brings on deeper reasoning; however these same social and emotional abilities will take a major growth spurt over the next four years. In this time frame you will likely develop new ways of understanding and communicating. Your values are likely to experience equal growth.

You will have displayed a rare form of wisdom and maturity if you choose to wait. It is equaled by my hope for you to be able to be patient, while you experience this future growth. Reassess your growth in one year. Keep a journal abut how you think and feel. Read all of your entries in six months and twelve months. I just bet you see growth in what you read.

If you still plan to marry anyway, I do suggest that you plan to receive per-marital counseling. This process is usually more successful if done six months prior to your marriage.

May God help you to find strength to do His will His way to receive His blessings as you ponder marriage which He created.

Spring Cleaning

Warmer temperatures, blooming flowers, and baseball. It must be spring time. For many people it is time to get rid of the junk that accumulated over the winter months. It is time to get in the garden and do some weeding.

This could also be a good time to do some tidying up with marital relationships. Pull out some of those weeds in your marriage that are preventing you from having a beautiful relationship with your spouse.

Two common “weeds” in marriages are arguing and busyness.

Many couples let conflict  lead to arguing. Unhealthy communication skills can be a major contributor to this. Many spouses may become defensive of their actions when the other is trying to express how their behavior is affecting them. Sometimes the spouse puts the other in the position to do this as they are blaming them. However, if the spouse is able to express how they feel and the other spouse is able to listen–without becoming defensive–often a resolution to the problem can be agreed upon without yelling, screaming, etc.

It is important to remember than a person is never wrong for feeling the way they do, so do not try to explain why they should not feel that way. For the person who is upset, it is important to remember that they may not have necessarily tried to make you feel the way you do.

Cleaning out busyness seems like a good idea, but schedules fill up pretty quickly and time slips away. So, instead of trying to squeeze in time with your spouse in the cracks, schedule them in. Make sacred time with a spouse that is unbreakable. This shows your spouse you are serious about spending time with them.

These are just a few “weeds” that could be pulled up out of the garden this spring. I hope you and your spouse are able to do pull up the “weeds” of arguing and busyness this spring so the flowers of your relationships can blossom.

Is Depression A Sin?

Depression has become more prominent in our mobile society.  Depression is common to us all in life’s course; however, some individuals suffer from this affliction due to a chemical imbalance.  The best counseling efforts without medication would only add futility to an already troubled life.

Antidepressants are quite numerous and have to be prescribed according to one’s specific needs.  The determinants are varied as are the descriptions of depression.

Depression is an evolving “buzz  word” for similar descriptions of despair.  The following are symptoms common with depression:

1. Feeling tired most of the time, despite adequate rest
2. Disturbance in sleeping habits (too much or too little)
3. Disturbances in eating habits (too much or too little)
4. Irritable, upset over little things
5. Sadness for no apparent reason
6. Breaking into tears without any known cause
7. Loss of sex drive (often complete)
8. Headaches, often present but not severe
9. Chronic back pain, stomach complaints
10. Lack of enthusiasm or feeling of enjoyment
11. Inability to concentrate
12. Inability to make decisions
13. Worried, fearful
14. Feeling unwanted, unworthy, guilty
15. Feeling life is not worth living (suicidal thoughts or gestures)
16. Indigestion, chronic constipation, chronic diarrhea

Many Christians are reluctant to get help for depression because they fear it might reflect on their lack of faith or sins.  There are many hymns which advocate that you can be drawn from the darkest of depression by enriching ones faith.  Whether spiritual problems are prevalent or not, in the midst of depression is not the time to sort it out.  It makes sense to not work on marital problems while someone is drunk, so it is with depression.  Remember that guilt is often just a symptom of depression.

If you are feeling any of the above mentioned symptoms, it might be advisable to contact the ChristianCounselingCenter, your regular physician, or your minister.

Ancient Tip on Strategic Parenting

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 NIV                                                                                                                                           

This short ancient proverb from the Hebrew Scriptures captures the importance of parenting.

The proverb is concise, yet gives much wisdom about caring for a child. The proverb states two truths. The lessons learned as a child will stay with him or her their entire life and parents have influence in the way a child turns out. This means that effective parenting must be intentional.

Lessons learned will stay with a child over their entire life. Quite an overwhelming thought. So, if that is the case, how do you teach lessons the most effective way? How are children going to learn these lessons?

The way that all children learn is experience. What children experience at home is how they learn to treat people, behave in social situations, and what they think about themselves.

Children are going to imitate what they see. The way their home life operates is the way they assume all homes operate until they learn otherwise. Even when they see otherwise, it is going to be the natural tendency to behave under the expectations given at home.

Prepare to be imitated.

What is a parent to do? Take action.

Because your child is going to imitate you, make sure they see you doing what you want them to be doing. This could be simple; if you want your child to show respect to others then show people respect. An example of intentional parenting is showing care for the community. This could be taking your son with you to participate in a service activity.

Telling a child what is good is appropriate. Showing them what is good is love.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “follow me as I follow Christ.” Parents should operate with the same mindset to start their children “on the way they should go.”

Justin P. Lewis, MA