5 Tips for Forgiving

1. Don’t deny that you’ve been hurt. Forgiving isn’t denying.
2. Make a decision to forgive others. (Luke 17:3-5)
3. Don’t seek revenge or repay evil for evil. Let God handle it. (I Peter 3:9)
4. Pray the Lord will release any anger inside you. (Eph 4:26-27, 31)
5. Pray for those who have hurt you. (Matt 5:44)

–biblestudyplanet.com

Teaching Children Self-Control

If you are a parent, then you most likely have dealt with a some challenging behaviors.  Some parents seem to have more difficulty than otherrs.  The difference is not always luck.  Parents can do specific things that can make problem behaviors worse, keep them the same, or make them decrease.

As a parent, our ultimate goal is to have children who routinely exercise self-control and acceptable behaviors.  It is best to assume that a proactive “teaching” approach will keep yourself calm and avoid power struggles with your child.

• Rule # 1: Never argue with your child!
• Before the behavior occurs, discuss choices your child can make about how to act.  Anticipate problems and discuss ways of solving conflicts, how to handle frustrations, and how to express their wants and desires appropriately.
• Encourage your child to use their words in order to get their wishes and feelings known. “You are too close to me.” – rather than pushing; “Stay out of my backpack.” – rather than hitting; “I really want to go swimming.” – rather than demanding, begging, and pleading.
• Acknowledge appropriate behavior and reward it intermittently.
• Remind your child of the reason behind any rule or consequence to a behavior at the time the rule is being enforced. Have them repeat the reason for having the rule, back to you.  “Kicking can hurt someone.” “Kicking doesn’t solve the problem.”  Brainstorm other ways to deal with the problem.
• Teach your child how to make and keep friends. (smiling, talking, listening, cooperative play, turn taking, how to start a conversation, interactive play, sharing…)
• Teach problem solving and resolution skills. (role play with puppets, books)
• Be empathetic to your child’s problems and frustrations. Help them process ways to deal with disappointment, anger, irritation, and sadness.
• Seek to discover the cause of the behavior. You will gain insight that will make you more empathetic to their problems.

Diane Reed, LPCC

Financial Fidelity

Debt is definitely a bad four-letter-word!  Statistics published by NerdWallet, Inc. suggest that the average household has credit card balances of $16,748.  The average household with any kind of debt owes $134,643, including mortgages.

The strain of debt puts an inordinate amount of stress on a marriage, especially when coupled with the everyday stressors of marriage such as raising children, caring for elderly parents, career changes, occupational stress, and retirement planning.  As a result, many marriages end in divorce, exacerbated by family debt.

Many couples have discovered that by following some proactive steps, they have eliminated much of the problems associated with being in debt.

Suggestions for proactive financial responsibility:

• Both parties must be active participants in the ongoing financial process.
• Discuss finances with your spouse frequently (at least weekly).
• Agree upon ground rules for credit and debit card usage.
• Create a system for tracking your purchases.
• Inform spouse of large purchases and increasing balances.
• Monitor your balance frequently (at least weekly).
• Elect to have your credit card company send you phone notification after someone makes a purchase.
• Close credit cards that are rarely used.
• When closing an account, do so in writing, and get a closing confirmation notice
• Monitor you credit rating.
• Pay your bills in a timely manner.

Never ignore a credit card bill!

Suggestions for attacking debt:

• Using cash makes you more aware of what you are spending.
• Cut all necessary spending.
• Stop expensive hobbies, habits and travel.
• Learn to cook, plan budget meals, take your lunch to work, eat at home.
• Consider a 2^nd
• Sell unnecessary possessions – boats, campers, club memberships…
• Consign rarely worn clothes and household items.
• Pay off smallest credit cards first.
• Don’t buy new cars or new furniture….
• Repair what you can before considering replacing.
• Check your account for electronic withdrawals (phone bills, online memberships…)
• Stop all unnecessary automatic withdrawals.
• Consider TV options- cable vs. digital receiver; public radio vs. satellite radio
• Control your thermometer (heating and cooling).
• Unplug any appliances that you do not use regularly. (printers, computers…)
• If you must shop for clothing, shop consignment stores.
• Shop off-brands and wholesale grocery stores.
• Clip coupons, watch sale papers, and accept free samples.
• Resist shopping online, watching digital shopping networks, and window shopping.
• Take good care of what you have, it needs to last!
• Before you buy, determine if it is a want or a NEED.

Keep some money for an emergency fund.

Extra funds are to be paid toward credit card bills.

There is nothing like the sense of accomplishment that comes from paying all of your debt.

Karen Diane Reed, LPCC

Growing Closer Through Disagreements

Disagreement and arguments are common in most all relationships—between coworkers, spouses, siblings.  In the heat of the moment, angry words can destroy a relationship that took many years to build.  By following a few short tips, individuals can use the opportunity to strengthen a relationship rather than destroy it.

Disagreement Do List

1. Agree upon a time to discuss the issue
2. Be aware of your body language (appear nonthreatening and relaxed)
3. Avoid interruptions (phone calls, texts…)
4. Control your tone of voice and volume
5. Listen, Listen, Listen
6. Think before you speak
7. Make good eye contact
8. Ask clarifying questions
9. Be non-judgmental
10. Be empathetic

 

10 Rules of Fair Fighting

1. No name calling
2. No interrupting
3. No blaming or accusations
4. No cursing
5. No yelling
6. No sarcasm
7. No defensiveness
8. No generalizations (you always…)
9. No physical/emotional intimidating
10. No walking out without naming a follow up time.

 

Diane Reed, MA, LPCC

Respect

Love and Respect–Building Blocks of a Good Marriage

Imagine having a marriage in which both husband and wife love and respect each other, have unity in their goals, and commonality in their belief system. This structure is a win/win for both husband and wife.

Two important building blocks to a good marriage are “love” and “respect”. These two words mean different things to different people, and often differ from males to females. Therefore, a discussion is needed to clarify the meaning.

Activity:

As a couple, define “love” and “respect”.

As a couple, agree on the differences between the two words.

As a couple, discuss and give examples of behaviors that would make each other feel “unloved” and “disrespected”.

Words of wisdom:

Be generous with your words of appreciation

Spend quality time with each other

Be quick to forgive and forget

Seek to understand your differences

Be honest and gentle when giving feedback

Be open and honest regarding finances

Always appreciate their best qualities

Pray together often

Practice physical touch

Surround yourself with other Christian families/couples

Attend a bible based congregation that provides Christian fellowship

Pray for your spouse, for when God blesses them, he blesses you

Laugh and enjoy each other’s personality

Diane Reed, LPCC

Dealing Effectively with Bullying

October is National Bully Prevention Awareness month.  Schools and organizations across the country have joined the Stomp Out Bullying campaign.  The goal is to encourage communities to work together to stop bullying and cyberbullying by increasing awareness and impact on children of all ages.  

Bullying is a cruel intentional act that is often repeated.  It is prevalent in schools, playgrounds, neighborhoods, and even workplaces.  If children are not taught to deal effectively with such behavior the bullying becomes worse.  Adult bullies often become very proficient at threats and intimidation to get what they want.  Such behavior may be verbal, emotional, sexual, physical or cyber-bullying.  Being a victim is traumatizing for adults, but even worse for children.

The best time to talk to your child about bullying is before they have been exposed to it.  This helps them to mentally prepare and have a plan of action.  This alone will help build their confidence and self-esteem.

HELPGUIDE.ORG provided the following classifications.

Physical Bullying

• Hitting, kicking, pushing, threatening
• Stealing, hiding, destruction of other’s property
• Hazing, harassment, humiliation
• Making someone do something against their will

Verbal bullying

• Name-calling
• Teasing, taunting
• Insulting
• Cursing someone

Very young children can’t distinguish between bullying and unkind behavior.   Children need to know that unkind behavior is also inappropriate—e.g. “Your hair is really messy.”  “Your mom is fat.” “I don’t like you.” and “You stink.”

Some Successful Strategies:

• Ignore the bully, if possible
• Walk away and pretend to feel brave and confident.
• Protect yourself.  Safety is the top priority!
• Don’t bully back.
• Don’t show your feelings.
• Tell an adult. Report every threat or assaults. (Teach the difference between tattling and reporting.)
• Be proud of who you are!

Bullying typically involves at least three individuals—the bully, bystander, and victim.

As students get older, bystanders should be taught to mobilize together, speak up, support the victim, and be a positive influence.  

Dr. Phil McGraw supports teaching Bully BUSTER Skills for Bystanders.

B-Befriend the Victim

U-Use the Distraction (to focus other’s attention elsewhere)

S-Speak Out and Stand Up!

T-Tell or Text for Help

E-Exit Alone or With Friends

R-Give a Reason or Remedy

Victims of bullying often become bullies as they grow older.  Therefore, it is crucial for a nationwide effort to Stomp Out Bullying!  Bystanders can truly make a difference in reducing peer cruelty and halting the cycle.

As parents and community members, we need to continue the awareness and discussion of bullying and its emotional impact on others!

Diane Reed, MA, LPCC