Dealing With Difficult People

Research shows that supportive relationships are good for our mental and physical health. However, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is actually detrimental to our health.

The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life, for better or for worse:

1. In dealing with difficult people, don’t try to change the other person; you will only get into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal with.
2. Change your response to the other person; this is all you have the power to change. For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior. You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way.
3. Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally “bad.” Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the negative interactions. It may just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly.
4. Try to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when dealing with family, and focus on them. The other person will feel more appreciated, and you will likely enjoy your time together more.
5. Know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be key. If they’re continually abusive, it’s best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the offending party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider switching jobs.)

Tips:

Remember that you don’t have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people. Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people.

 

From Elizabeth Scott, M.S.,Your Guide to Stress Management About.com Health’s Disease and Condition

Who Needs Counseling?

Thank you for visiting our page. Do you have questions about our Center or how to get counseling? Here are some frequently asked questions.

Why should I have counseling? Anyone who would like to better themselves or enhance their relationships can benefit from counseling. Our therapists have tools that can guide you to improve the way you interact with others at home, at work, and other areas of your life. They also see people who have depression, anxiety, stress, anger issues, substance abuse, or trauma in their life.

Who will I be speaking to? We have 2 licensed therapist and have offices in Paducah, Benton, and Murray. Roger Thompson is our Director. He has a Master’s degree in Psychology and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Karen Diane Reed has a Master’s Degree in Counseling and is Licensed Professional Counselor.

What can I expect from counseling? The first session we call an Intake or Diagnostic Interview. There is a lot of information gathered at that time about family, health, current issues and goals. The therapist will make an assessment and discuss a plan that meets your needs. Therapy is not a magic cure, and it requires that you are invested in taking steps to achieve your goals.

How much do I pay? Regarding fees, we are in network with many commercial insurance companies and programs available through employers. Your fee would depend on your Mental Health coverage. We also have fees based on income and there is an additional $15 off for self-pay clients paying at the time of service.

When can I make an appointment? At this time we are scheduling about 3 weeks in advance for new clients, but after the initial visit we will do our best to arrange multiple appointments so the wait is not as long in between. Someone is available Monday, Wednesday and Thursday in Paducah; on Tuesday in Benton; and on Friday in Murray.

If you are struggling with the direction that you are going right now, stop and take the first step in discovering how things can be better. Call our office at 270-442-5738 to make an appointment.

Growing Closer Through Disagreements

Disagreement and arguments are common in most all relationships—between coworkers, spouses, siblings.  In the heat of the moment, angry words can destroy a relationship that took many years to build.  By following a few short tips, individuals can use the opportunity to strengthen a relationship rather than destroy it.

Disagreement Do List

1. Agree upon a time to discuss the issue
2. Be aware of your body language (appear nonthreatening and relaxed)
3. Avoid interruptions (phone calls, texts…)
4. Control your tone of voice and volume
5. Listen, Listen, Listen
6. Think before you speak
7. Make good eye contact
8. Ask clarifying questions
9. Be non-judgmental
10. Be empathetic

 

10 Rules of Fair Fighting

1. No name calling
2. No interrupting
3. No blaming or accusations
4. No cursing
5. No yelling
6. No sarcasm
7. No defensiveness
8. No generalizations (you always…)
9. No physical/emotional intimidating
10. No walking out without naming a follow up time.

 

Diane Reed, MA, LPCC

Focus on the Good

The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what’s wrong, right? Nope. The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage. That positive energy makes you feel good and motivates you to keep going in that direction. 

• Say thank you for even the small things like folding the towels.
• Stay Connected. Talk about the details of your day.
• Mention the qualities that you appreciate… hair, laugh, kindness.
• Recall past times together and describe your hopes for the future.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t feel —or talk about —anything negative, but pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale.

If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad. The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you’ll transform your marriage into one that is truly great.

Respect

Love and Respect–Building Blocks of a Good Marriage

Imagine having a marriage in which both husband and wife love and respect each other, have unity in their goals, and commonality in their belief system. This structure is a win/win for both husband and wife.

Two important building blocks to a good marriage are “love” and “respect”. These two words mean different things to different people, and often differ from males to females. Therefore, a discussion is needed to clarify the meaning.

Activity:

As a couple, define “love” and “respect”.

As a couple, agree on the differences between the two words.

As a couple, discuss and give examples of behaviors that would make each other feel “unloved” and “disrespected”.

Words of wisdom:

Be generous with your words of appreciation

Spend quality time with each other

Be quick to forgive and forget

Seek to understand your differences

Be honest and gentle when giving feedback

Be open and honest regarding finances

Always appreciate their best qualities

Pray together often

Practice physical touch

Surround yourself with other Christian families/couples

Attend a bible based congregation that provides Christian fellowship

Pray for your spouse, for when God blesses them, he blesses you

Laugh and enjoy each other’s personality

Diane Reed, LPCC

Anxiety Free Living

Have you ever been in the supermarket with you child when they threw a fit?  How did you feel?  Were you embarrassed to the point of the leaving your groceries in the store and going home?  Did get a tense look on your face?  Did you grit your teeth and threaten to spank your child?  Did you do something to pacify your child? 

Why is it that some parents have the ability to handle these situations with grace, while others melt under the pressure?  The answer may be as simple as understanding the word, Anxiety.  Anxiety is defined as the feeling of worry or unease about a situation with an unknown outcome.  Or rather, anxiety is the feeling a person gets when they desire to have control of a situation that they have no real ability to control.  Often, anxious people seek control in unhealthy, destructive ways (i.e., yelling, arguing, pacifying).  While these methods may be functional (they control the person with whom you are interacting), they are in no way healthy.  If this is the case, it makes sense that parent of the child in the grocery store feels anxious.  They do not have the ability to control the moods or actions of their children.  Although there will be many parents who read this statement and disagree with it, it might be beneficial to give it some more thought.

You are the only person that can control you!  While others may influence your decision, the ultimate decision for how you feel and act belongs to you.  Anxiety is most often activated by fear or frustration.  In the case of a parent and unruly child, the fear might be related to other’s judgments of your ability to parent.  The parent’s anxiety seeks to quiet (think control) the child rather than move to understand and engage the child.  It is difficult for many of us to engage with anxious people.  We feel anxious when we are near them.  Therefore, we must either withdraw from them or we must quiet them.

The Screamfree Institute, founded Hal Runkel, focuses on helping people learn to be in anxious free relationships (e.g., parent/child, husband/wife, and friend/friend).  More, a person in an anxious free relationship is “learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way, taking hold of their own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave and learning to focus on their self and take care of their self for the world’s benefit.”

If you find yourself arguing, fighting, or constantly engaged in battle with a child, spouse, co-worker, or best friend, you might be struggling with anxiety.  You might be trying to control the person you love, rather than trusting them to love and care for you. On the outset, it seems less risky to control someone than to allow them to have free will to hurt you.   If these situations are applicable to you, you might consider it is time for you 1) focus on yourself, 2) calm down, and 3) grow up.  Relationships can only flourish when they are allowed to grow in non anxious environments.

If you need assistance in these matters, you can contact the Christian Counseling Center at 270-442-5738.  You can also check out Hal Runkel’s work on the website, http://www.screamfree.com.

 

Andrew N. Williams, MMFT, LMFT