Teaching Children Self-Control

If you are a parent, then you most likely have dealt with a some challenging behaviors.  Some parents seem to have more difficulty than otherrs.  The difference is not always luck.  Parents can do specific things that can make problem behaviors worse, keep them the same, or make them decrease.

As a parent, our ultimate goal is to have children who routinely exercise self-control and acceptable behaviors.  It is best to assume that a proactive “teaching” approach will keep yourself calm and avoid power struggles with your child.

• Rule # 1: Never argue with your child!
• Before the behavior occurs, discuss choices your child can make about how to act.  Anticipate problems and discuss ways of solving conflicts, how to handle frustrations, and how to express their wants and desires appropriately.
• Encourage your child to use their words in order to get their wishes and feelings known. “You are too close to me.” – rather than pushing; “Stay out of my backpack.” – rather than hitting; “I really want to go swimming.” – rather than demanding, begging, and pleading.
• Acknowledge appropriate behavior and reward it intermittently.
• Remind your child of the reason behind any rule or consequence to a behavior at the time the rule is being enforced. Have them repeat the reason for having the rule, back to you.  “Kicking can hurt someone.” “Kicking doesn’t solve the problem.”  Brainstorm other ways to deal with the problem.
• Teach your child how to make and keep friends. (smiling, talking, listening, cooperative play, turn taking, how to start a conversation, interactive play, sharing…)
• Teach problem solving and resolution skills. (role play with puppets, books)
• Be empathetic to your child’s problems and frustrations. Help them process ways to deal with disappointment, anger, irritation, and sadness.
• Seek to discover the cause of the behavior. You will gain insight that will make you more empathetic to their problems.

Diane Reed, LPCC

Courtesy to Loved Ones

“The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.”

Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

This notion seems to contradict how most of us behave. We tend to say things to our spouses and our children that we would never be caught dead saying to a perfect stranger. Why is that? Why do we think that it is acceptable to allow politeness to fly out of the window with those most dear to us?

Maybe it’s a sign of trust. We can really be ourselves around our family and we don’t have to be so “on guard” all the time. That may be the case, but here’s one question. Why wouldn’t you want to put your best foot forward to those you love the most? After all,  they are the ones you will end up seeing day in and day out. Try this: In dealing with your spouse or your kids today, pretend that this is the first day you’ve met them. Act as if you care what they think of you, and chances are, you’ll make quite an impression.

by Hal Runkel, LMFT

Author of “Scream Free Parenting.”