You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Tips’ tag.
Intellect, athleticism, good-looks, and even “grit” are all qualities that find value in our society. Some more important than others.
A trait that does not feature as much when describing a person is emotional intelligence. This quality may be one that is harder to recognize than other ways to define a person but can be just as important. The good news is that unlike some other traits this can be positively developed.
So what is emotional intelligence?
Simply put it is the capacity one has to be aware of, control, and express emotions. This skill creates a higher chance of success in interpersonal relationships.
Growing in emotional intelligence can be done with intentional work. One proactive option is to practice self-exploration when feelings arise. Try to specifically identify what feelings you are experiencing. Hurt, anger, and sadness are surface emotions. Being able to recognize a feeling such as rejection, disrespect, or a sense of loss helps solutions to be possible. By recognizing specifically what the emotion is occurring a more specific solution can be planned. Additionally, determining whether that feeling comes from a rational or irrational place is possible. It also helps discuss these feelings with other people.
Ways to practice:
Write down specifically what you are feeling–there may be more than one emotion.
Say out loud what you feel to judge how rational the feelings are.
Focus on remaining calm in highly emotional situations. Mentally prepare yourself to respond a certain way. Pause before reacting.
Although cliche, there is a reason “how does that make you feel?” is asked in counseling sessions. Work on improving emotional intelligence and you may be surprised at how much your interpersonal relationships will improve.
Therapy is a good place to develop emotional intellect. We at Christian Counseling Center are trained and have experience walking with people as they grow this trait. Give us a call at 270.442.5738 for more information or to set up an appointment.
Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT
I have found it to be true that when we are working on improving ourselves from time to time it is difficult to continue without major progress. A passage from a meaningful book “The Prophet” by Kahil Gibran may be helpful with this.
You are good when you walk to your goal with bold steps. Yet you are not evil when you go thither limping. Even those who limp go not backward.
The point of this quote is that from time to time we will be moving slowly. Struggling through conflict and difficult circumstances. We can be hopeful as long as we keep moving, it may be a limp, but it isn’t regression.
During those times of “limping” we are available to walk along side for support and guidance. Feel free to contact us at 270-442-5738.
Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT
There are a number of aspects to a healthy marriage. For this post, I am going to just focus on one of them. It could be argued that this is the most important.
- Focus on yourself.
A first glance this may seem selfish. It could come across as self-serving or being concerned only with ones own feelings. That is not the angle I am navigating. When we focus on ourselves in an appropriate way, we notice our own behavior rather than point at the behavior of our spouse we avoid unnecessary conflict. A primary way that resentment builds in a marriage is for one spouse to feel responsible for the other. This could be in tangible ways or emotionally. If one person in the relationship feels the need to make sure the other is feeling a certain way, it hinders growth.
Be responsible for yourself while maintaining responsibilities to your spouse. Treat them appropriately, focusing your energy on how you act rather than trying to control how they act. It seems, when we do this, our positive behavior influences the other and it creates a context of growth rather than resentment and stagnation or deterioration. Of course, it should be noted, if one person in the relationship puts the other in physical danger there are appropriate boundaries that must be drawn.
So, focus on your own behavior. Instead of blaming, do your part.
Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT
One thing that we can all count on in our life are stressful situations. These moments–long or short–will happen in many different areas. There are strategies to be incorporated in our daily life that will offset, or prevent stress. The following are four common ways to handle stress:
Exercise. An active lifestyle is helpful in distracting the mind in addition to the physical benefits. The human brain actually operates in a way that physical activity creates a happier existence.
Prayer or meditation. Taking our stress to God removes the pressure of carrying it all on our shoulders and provides the comfort of knowing we are not alone. Additionally, when prayer or meditation is taking place intentional solitude has been created. This personal time can provide a sense of peace.
Journal. Writing down feelings is a way of letting things out. It is one way to unbottle the feelings and relieves some pressure. Also, writing down all the good things is helpful in remembering the positives in life.
Talk to a counselor. Verbalizing the stressful situations can provide a sense of peace. A counselor can help change thinking process and give suggestions that are specific to the particular situation.
—-
At the Christian Counseling Center we have training and experience helping those struggling with feelings of stress.
It seems to me that often times we limit ourselves by saying something to the effect of, “I am just not good at that.” This probably starts early in life to protect us from the vulnerability of failing. It, however, also blocks us from success. Natural talent is not the only way to achieve greatness or success.
The late Steve Jobs–a highly regarded innovator and founder of Apple Computers–was also nearly as famous for his ability to present and market. His keynote speeches for Apple became famous and often imitated. But, his public speaking skills were not always superb. A video of an interview he gave early in his career was uncovered decades later. He is visibly nervous and even verbalizes his fear of becoming sick. This is not the same Steve Jobs who entertained while unveiling his most recent product. So what gives?
Jobs put in hours and hours of practice. He honed and developed his presentation skills spending hundreds of hours on one presentation.
Dr. K. Anders Ericsonn published a research study that looked into this idea of hard work and practice. He said excellence depends on more than mere practice but deliberative practice. His definition of this is, “improving the skills you have and extending the reach and range of those skills.” So Dr. Ericsonn takes into account natural talent but suggests excellence does not rest there.
So, when we consider our personal well being are we focusing daily on improving our skills and extending them? In marriage, hone the abilities and strengths so that they cover a number of aspects in relationships. Parent in a way that sees possibility to attain skills rather than give up on that possibility.
The takeaway is this: because you view yourself as, “just not good” at something now, does not mean you can’t be proficient in that area. If you have skills in an area, they can always be improved.
Justin P. Lewis, MA, LMFT
‘Tis the season for making positive changes. A new year is here and it is as good a time as any to be better people. Even though it’s a little late; (never too late for a resolution, right?) here are some helpful tips on making a solid resolution.
To have the best chance at success it is wise to set resolutions as a goals. This will lead to many changed behaviors in order to attain the goal. Hopefully, all positive ones.
An acronym that may help you setting goals is SMART.
“S” stands for specific. If you want to be able to judge whether or not you have been successful there is wisdom in making the goal something tangible. An example could be, “I want to bike a century ride this year.” This will give you something specific to measure rather than, “I want to ride my bike more.”
“M” stands for measurable. If you are going to make a change or accomplish something you have to be able to answer the question of why it is important to you. Our resolutions have to be something we want to do.
“A” stands for action oriented. What steps are you willing to take to achieve this goal. What things in your life have to be eliminated? What things must you incorporate? For example, if you want to learn a new sport such as tennis you need to have a plan in place such as tennis lessons and when you would play.
“R” stands for realistic. Although we don’t want to limit ourselves we also do not want to set ourselves up for failure. Is there some evidence this is attainable?
“T” stands for time. When we have a time we want to accomplish something by it gives us more motivation.
One additional helpful tip is to find someone you can be accountable with on how you are doing. Whether it is giving something up or adding value to your life, find a person who is willing to join you on that journey. This may be in having the same goal or just doing things to keep you on track.
I believe when we incorporate these principles into our goal then our possibility of success increases.
Good luck and have fun with your resolutions!
The holiday season is in full swing. We have already experienced Thanksgiving with Christmas (and Festivus for you Seinfeld fans) already upon us.
Just a few things to remember that may not be obvious in making the holiday season an enjoyable time.
1. Take time alone to reflect. Things can get so busy and rushed that we don’t have time to reflect on things that are truly important to us. Stopping to consider our blessings is always a good idea. Especially during the holidays. For people that gain energy by recharging, this is particularly important as to not burn out on parties.
2. Don’t be afraid to grieve. For some people this is the first time a family member will not be at Christmas or it is a yearly reminder of the fact they are not with the family anymore. It is okay to be sad about this. Even if you become tearful, it is normal. It may be helpful to talk about some of the memories you cherish about this person in your discussions.
3. Have manageable expectations. Most of us are familiar with Clark Griswald’s desire for a “fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.” He spends so much time with the high expectations of everything being perfect that he misses out on the joy that he could be experiencing. Don’t let this happen to you. Wasting mental energy with “if only” and “I wish” cause you to miss out the times you can be enjoying!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Christian Counseling Center!
Depression can be more prevalent in the winter time. Dark dreary days can hinder our moods. There are some simple things to be done in order to handle feelings of depression. In no particular order here are a few simple tips in handling feelings for depression.
1. Turn to trusted friends and relatives. Sharing what you are going through is helpful because you do not feel like you are carrying the load on your own.
2. Challenge negative thinking. Think outside yourself, are these thoughts rational? Try to adopt the positive thinking of those in your life who tend to see the bright side.
3. Take care of yourself. Live a healthy lifestyle, get the appropriate amount of sleep, eat in a healthy way and get exercise.
4. Be open to professional help. Sometimes we just need someone to walk with us for a little while. This does not mean we are any less of a person.
We have plenty of training and experience in treating those dealing with depressive thoughts and feelings at Christian Counseling Center. We are able to provide in depth help for depression. If you need someone to support you for a time feel free to call us (270) 442-5738.
The following is adapted from Living Affinity by Hsing Yun
Good friends can help us discover our capacity for connection. Get some wise guidance about the true nature of healthy friendship here–and then pass it along to your friends.
Kinds of Friends to Cultivate
- Friends that help us tell right from wrong. They let us know when our conduct is admirable and are not afraid to tell us when we behave poorly. Such friends help us to stay on the right path.
- Friends that are compassionate and caring. They give us moral support during our trying times. They are also happy for us when we are doing well.
- Friends that are always ready to extend a helping hand. They are pillars of strength. They help us stay focused and come to our aid when we are lost.
- Friends that share our aspirations. Such friends provide us with encouragement and are not hesitant to share their time and resources.
Kinds of Friends to Avoid
- Friends that never show their true intentions. These people are not trustworthy or sincere and take advantage of others with no remorse.
- Friends that are envious of others’ good fortune and success. They constantly wallow in bitterness and resentment.
- Friends that have hearts of stone. They only think about themselves and fail to see or care about others’ predicaments.
- Friends that do not acknowledge their own mistakes. They are quick to place blame on others, instead of being willing to learn and grow from their own foolish conduct.
- Friends that refuse to accept advice from others. Their minds are closed and their character is arrogant.
Although we should still show kindness and compassion to all of these people it is not wise to keep their company. Friendships should be based on mutual affinity, not one-sided effort. Real friendships are an actual and resounding expression of true joy.
I have used air travel a number of times. Each flight is a little different. Whether it is the distance, movie, food or the seat there is always something different about each flight. But, there are also some things exactly the same. One of these things is the pre-flight safety instructions. Included in this is the direction of what to do in case of a loss of cabin pressure. If this happens masks fall from the overhead compartments to wear over a person’s mouth.
Each time the instruction is given they are careful to include that one should put on their own mask before helping anyone else out, even children. This surprised me the first time I heard it and I even thought to myself, “of course I would help someone else first, especially a child.” Then as I thought about it more, I realized that if I am not full strength I am not going to be of use to anyone else.
I believe that there is a direct application to our daily lives. We all need to have the appropriate amount of self-care. Sometimes we find ourselves running ragged trying to be everything to everyone else and forget to “put on our mask” first. Eventually we are going to tire out and not only will we become harmful for ourself, we will be of no assistance to others.
So, it is important to recognize ways to “put on your mask.” What is it in your life that has been pushed out to make room for other people? How do you get that back in?
It is vital to respect yourself and realize that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. When you have established this mindset it will be easier to “put on your mask” to save your life, so that you can save others.
Some ideas of “putting on your mask”
- Spend time in prayer
- Spend time doing things that are of interest to you
- Find what energizes you and participate in those things
It is important for you to learn what it is that recharges you and allows you to be healthy so you can be of assistance to others. Remember, if you are not taking care of yourself, you will not be able to help others appropriately.
Justin P. Lewis, MA
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.”
Psalm 23
Christian Counseling Center 